I'll Keep Climbing
by catlover5040
Summary: Juliet makes a hasty decision that plunges her into immediate depression and loneliness, which gives way to a strong feeling of vulnerability. Her life is changing whether she likes it or not, but whether it changes for better or for worse is up to her. Can she manage to balance two people who are very important to her while she's living what seems like worlds away? 8x6 spoilers


**A/N: So I finally watched the newest episode last night and I just about burst into tears. The office scene was beautiful, and us Lassiet shippers have been waiting so long for that acknowledgement of their strong connection in canon. I don't think they've had such a powerful scene together since the clocktower in Season 4, and it was perfect. And beautiful.**

**So I wrote this thingy. Yeah, I know I shouldn't be starting another multi-chapter while I have another going, but I'm about to update the other one and I think I can keep them going just fine. So yeah. This chapter already feels a bit bi-polar, but Juliet's going to stop being so angsty soon, I promise.**

**I don't know if this is a Lassiet or what. It's definitely going to focus on their friendship more than anything else, but that's as close as this is going to get to a pairing. There is some Shules because it couldn't be avoided, but I don't see it being too heavy-handed. More than anything, I see this going in the direction as a character study of Juliet, but we'll see where it goes. So yeah. I think I just won the award for world's longest author's note. **

**So please enjoy the story, and tell me what you think even if you didn't like it. (Constructive criticism, people)**

* * *

The air was colder than she could have possibly imagined. Heck, it was San Francisco in mid-April, but she found herself shivering and leaning into Carlton's arms. Then she remembered he wasn't there.

She had just been kind of shell-shocked for the couple hours of the car ride, delicate tears, thinking of everything she'd left behind. But then she got a text from Carlton- _Miss you already_ -and not a word from Shawn. The sentiment of Carlton's note and the absence of one from Shawn- also the lightheadedness from not having eaten anything since she'd woken up -made her want to break down right there. So she did.

She calmed herself down after a while, after a couple more hours of mascara-tinted tears. And then she was in San Francisco.

It was a sad little flat in a colorful town; a beige apparition with half a kitchen and two windows. She only had her clothes and a few other things folded up in her suitcases; the rest was coming in a moving van later in the day.

So there she was. An empty house, a new job and the worst decision she'd ever made. She slumped down on the floor and laid her head on her suitcase, expecting to cry. But she didn't. She just sat there, crumbled on the floor, feeling absolutely devastated but not able to do anything about it. Maybe the hollow feeling that now consumed her had something to do with the fact that she hadn't eaten for six hours, but that was an irrelevant thought.

Then again, what the heck was relevant anymore?

* * *

When she hugged the Chief- or Karen, or whatever the heck she was supposed to call her- she held on just a bit too long. Here was the last bit of familiarity she had, the last comfort from home. Thankfully Karen either didn't notice or had the tact to pretend not to.

"You know you didn't have to come right away," Karen said kindly, sitting down behind her desk and gesturing for Juliet to take a seat. She didn't. "I told you you could have the day off to settle in."

"I don't have much to settle," Juliet said dryly. "I have a truckload of clothing and presents from Shawn but the rest isn't coming until later. I need something to do."

There was a painful moment of silence as the other woman held her gaze across the desk, and then said unexpectedly, "I can tell you're regretting this."

"Of course I'm not," Juliet snapped, too quickly, and then gave a shaky, threatening-to-break-down sigh. "Of course I am. Irrationally, of course. It's only five hours, right?"  
"I think five hours is a lot when the two most important men in your life are on the other side of that car ride."

Juliet didn't know what to say. How the heck was she supposed to respond to that? How could she say yes, you don't know how darn much those five hours mean to me, how much they've ruined my life just over the last three days.  
"It's not like that. It's not a big deal-" she began weakly, and then Karen waved a hand for her to sit down again. She stood as stiff as she could and crossed her arms defiantly.

"Sit down, Juliet. You've had a long week."

"Don't tell me what to do," she retorted, her voice cracking in the middle.

"I believe I can," Karen said stiffly. "Sit down, Detective O'Hara. That's an order."

She wanted to shout, she wanted to throw something across the freaking room, she wanted to drive her worthless car all the way back to Santa Barbara- but for some reason she ignored all those desires and collapsed in the chair, brushing her hair out of her face wearily.

"O'Hara, if I've learned one thing over the years it's that men don't break your heart. You do that yourself, and the men only get caught in the crossfire. And as thrilled as I am that you've come along with me, I want you to be careful." She leaned back in her chair and then leaned forward intently. "Take care of yourself, okay? I don't expect you to bounce back right away and you shouldn't expect that from yourself. I know what it's like to be in love, and I know that Shawn Spencer has an undeniable charm to him."

Juliet bristled at this, thinking that it'd been six-and-a-half hours and he hadn't said a word to her. Not a text, not a call, not even an idiotic cat meme posted to her wall on Facebook. Even that would be comforting. Where was the fool, passed out drunk because of the separation, or even worse, still sleeping? He had a charm, sure he did."

Karen was still talking. Didn't humans ever stop talking? "-and I know the power of a strong partnership," she was saying. "I know how close you two are, and I know what a difficult decision this was for you."

"Difficult?" Juliet laughed breathily. "What're you talking about, Chief? Shawn can visit me on the weekends, we'll be-"

"I'm talking about Carlton," she said loudly. "Don't try to fool me, O'Hara. I've known that man since before you were even in college and I know everything about him. I know he was in love with you and I know if he's having a hard time letting you go, you're in more pain than you're letting on."

Her head had been reeling since she told Karen she'd go, and it hadn't stopped. The whole world had spun past in a blur and here she was, suspended in outer space, the worthless blond little thirty-something, the reject nobody wanted. Floating around, flying away from every one of her problems.

"Karen, I appreciate your concern, but five hours really isn't that much." She forced a smile onto her face, the most painful smile she'd ever attempted. "I'm going to visit Shawn; I can visit Carlton too. It'll be-"

"But it won't," the Chief interrupted. "Maybe it'll be okay eventually, but it's not going to be the same. You're not going to see him every day, you're not going to work through all the odd little challenges of everyday life together. You're going to be communicating from a distance, seeing each other only every so often. I know I sound like such a pessimist right now, but I also know you're hurting more than you're telling me."

She tried to think of a dignified response, fumbled with her clumsy words, but nothing came together. No complete sentences formed. She tried again and again, but all she could think of was Carlton and Shawn, their two faces circling around in her head, trying to both talk at once. With a defeated cry her head dropped down and she buried her face in the desk, crying into the irrelevant papers and shaking all over. She felt Karen's hand on hers, awkwardly, tentatively, but it was only awkward and tentative because they both knew as surely as the sun rose in the morning that that hand should've been Carlton Lassiter's.

* * *

So she went home. Except it wasn't home, it was an empty skeleton of a house that was five hours away from everyone she knew and loved. She'd received word that the moving van had been delayed until the next day, which meant that she got to sleep in a cold, empty house. Lovely.

Karen had refused to give her any work to do until the next day, and suggested that Juliet could stay at her house until then, an offer which Juliet not-so-politely turned down. She just sat in the corner of her house, her arms around her knees, staring at the wall blankly, thinking that if she hadn't been such a sentimental idiot, if she had just let Carlton lose his promotion, they could be together right now. They would probably be on their coffee break, and he'd probably spill his and shout obscenities at the barista, but she'd buy him a new one and calm him down. Then they'd hang around on that park bench on State Street, trying to avoid getting back to work. They'd talk about their week and she'd ask about Marlowe and he'd ask about Shawn, and he'd hold her hand and she'd straighten his tie for him, and then they'd go back to work and start cracking another case with that seamless, flawless partnership of theirs. So why was she stuck in this stupid little apartment in San Francisco?

Around 1:30, her phone rang. She reached for it quickly and pulled it up to her ear excitedly. "Carlton?" she asked breathlessly.

"Nope," Shawn Spencer's voice said. "Even better. How are you, baby?"

She felt slightly disappointed but still comforted that Shawn had called. "I'm-" if she told the truth, if she said "miserable" then he would steal Gus' car and his dad's credit car and get down there as quick as he could. She didn't want that- or did she?

"I'm okay," she said finally, hugging her knees tighter. "I don't really have anything to do, Vick refused to give me any work so I'm kind of just hanging around in an empty apartment."

"Wish I was there, too," Shawn said, and there was a slight bitterness to his voice. "You know I wouldn't have minded if you woke me up."

It's your fault for being a lazy moron, she thought dully, but she didn't say it. "I didn't want to have to say goodbye. It's too hard."

"Yeah?" She could almost hear him smiling on the other end of the line. "Yeah. Why say goodbye when we could make it a weekend?"

"Shawn-" she started reproachfully, but he cut her off.

"C'mon, Jules. It's Monday, I can ride over on Friday night and you'll still have plenty of time to settle in. There's no use in being all angsty like this when we could still be with each other. We could do it every weekend until I can figure out how to get down to San Francisco. I miss you already, Juliet, and if we have a chance to be with each other we should take it."

"Maybe," she said quietly, and leaned against the wall. "I just don't know, Shawn. I don't know anything anymore. I made a stupid decision, but... it couldn't be helped, I guess. Carlton wanted that promotion as much as I want to be back there in Santa Barbara, and who was I to deny him that?"

"Not true," Shawn said in an uncharacteristically gentle tone. "That is very untrue, Juliet. On the spectrum of things that are untrue, that's King Kong right there.'

"Shawn," she inserted dryly, but she could feel a smile forming at the corners of her mouth.

"You know, that's not King Kong. That's Godzilla. That's- that's-" he stopped to consider his options and went on. "On the spectrum of untrue things, that's like saying Keanu Reeves has any acting ability at all. Like, whatsoever. 'Cause you know what, Jules? Lassie hasn't done any work all day. He's been passing it off to the deputy chief and he's just been staring out the window desperondantly-"

"Despondently," she corrected, leaning forward and brushing her hair out of her face with one hand.

"Whatever. He can't focus, he can't work, and I know he's thinking about you. I know he's kicking himself for letting you get away, I know he would much rather be out kicking criminal butt with you. I know he cares about you more than a promotion, okay? So don't start thinking that he doesn't, because I know he would come running down to San Francisco even quicker than I would just to hug you if you were crying." He paused and she could feel tears forming in her eyes out of nowhere. "So don't tell me that this couldn't be helped, Jules, because you and Lassie and I know it could."

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?!" she shouted, her throat suddenly raw and her face wet. "You let me go, Shawn, you didn't care enough-"

"I wanted to come!" he growled. "You wouldn't let me, you told me to take care of my dad who is sixty and perfectly capable! You told me to worry about other things, so don't say I don't care because it's already killing me!"  
There was a pause and she buried her face in her knees, the tears soaking into her jeans and stinging her eyes. Then he said quietly, "I don't mean to upset you. I'm just saying you shouldn't resent me for wanting to visit you."

Her phone started buzzing again and she tore it away from her ear to see who it was. Carlton. Of course it was. She wasn't sure if she was elated or even more depressed.

"Hang on, Shawn, I'll call you back," she mumbled, and before he could even protest she hung up and switched over to Carlton's call. "Hello?"

"Juliet!" His voice was urgent, distressed. "Why haven't you been answering my calls? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said, sitting up straight and wiping the hot tears out of her eyes, feeling panic sink in on her. "I didn't see your calls. I was busy." She swiped over to call history on her phone and felt a guilty lump form in her throat when she saw eleven missed calls and seven unread texts. "Are you okay, Carlton? Is Marlowe okay?"

"Yeah, fine," he said, and she could hear his breathing relax. "We're- we're fine. I was just worried about you. Just making sure you're okay."

"Why wouldn't I be?" she asked in confusion and mild irritation.

"There was an accident on the interstate," he explained, and she could still hear the extreme relief in his voice. "Green VW beetle. They didn't release details but it was a woman in the car on her own and she died. I thought I was going to have to come identify your body or something."

"Carlton." She couldn't keep the laughter out of her voice.

"Juliet, don't laugh," he said grumpily. "I was really worried."

"I'm not- I know you're serious," she said, and had to pretend to cough when she couldn't stop laughing. "It's just- I thought something really bad had happened, just for a minute there."

"Well, how do you think I've felt for the past forty-five minutes?" he snapped, and she felt her heart break just a little. It wasn't a huge deal, he'd forget it in fifteen- maybe twenty -minutes, but it wouldn't have happened had they been within three miles of each other like they usually were. He'd've come straight to her house and he'd open the door to Shawn snoring on the couch with the T.V. still on and Juliet trying to wake him up. He wouldn't have had those forty-five minutes of panic, those forty-five minutes of thinking something terrible and irreversible had occurred.

"I'm really sorry, Carlton," she said sincerely, her tone now serious. "I had no idea. I was talking to Shawn-"

"For forty-five minutes?"

"No, but I-" and that stopped mid-sentence when she realized she had no excuse. "I'm sorry, Carlton," she sighed, collapsing with her head on her suitcase. "I don't know. I'm so out of sorts down here, I just haven't felt like myself all day."

"Karen said you seemed really depressed."

"Karen-" her brain whirled in lazy circles and came back to an accusatory conclusion. "Have you two been talking about me behind my back? What am I, fifteen?"

"No, but even before the accident on the interstate you weren't answering my texts," he said accusingly. "I figured you didn't want to talk to me, so I called someone who would."

"Why wouldn't I talk to you, Carlton?"

"Because I'm old news now, right? That part of our lives is over. You're moving on."

"Carlton!" Her cheeks flushed with anger and she realized in just a moment's thought that she'd never before been so passionately angry about something he'd said. "Don't you ever say that again. If I hear anything like that I promise I'll drive right back to Santa Barbara and shoot you in the head, because you just made me really mad right there. Who knows how long this job is going to last? A year, eight months? We're essentially starting a new division, so who knows how that'll work? And when we're starting a new thing positions will always change within the first few months." She paused and found herself crying again. _Why do you keep crying? Don't cry. You have no reason to cry._ "So please don't go all closing-doors-burning-bridges on me, because we have no idea what's gonna happen."

He was silent and then said, "Sorry. I just miss you so much already."

"I miss you too," she said miserably, and clung to that one moment, practically hugging the phone to her like she was hugging him, pulling his lean figure to hers and burying her face in his shoulder, and telling him that everything would be okay even though she didn't feel it.

"Spencer misses you too," he said unexpectedly.

"Oh yeah?"

"He must, anyway. I went over to your old house to see if he had heard from you and guess what he did to the place?"

"What?" She clenched her fists, imagining Shawn bulldozing down the back wall or something.

"He cleaned it. I know you always tried your best but the job was hard, and heaven knows he never did anything to help. But the entire place was spotless, spot to bottom."

"Weird. Do you think he's up to something?"

"Who knows, O'Hara?" he laughed and she hugged the phone again, imagining that she was there with him.

"I miss you," she said again.

"I miss you more."

"I miss you even more."

"I don't think you do."

"You can bet all your money I do, Carlton."

"I don't think I have to," he answered, and she leaned back against the wall again, taking in the moment. "Oh. Got to go arrest some lowlifes. Talk to you later?"

"Yeah, sure," she said, feeling disappointed that the conversation was over but much happier than she had been before he called.

He hung up and she stared at the wall, thinking that this was the happiest she'd been since she accepted the new job. She sat in her little moment of bliss for five more minutes before her phone buzzed again. Text from Carlton.

_I love you._

She was a little startled by this blunt affirmation, but responded without hesitating.

_I love you too. Just so long as Marlowe doesn't see these out of context._

_Does there always have to be a context, O'Hara?_

_I suppose not._

_I love you again._

_Shut up, you idiot._


End file.
